Using the BIFF Technique to Reduce Conflict During Separation

Separation can be a highly emotional and stressful time, especially when communication with your ex-partner becomes tense or hostile. One proven strategy to manage conflict and keep conversations productive is the BIFF technique. As a conflict resolution expert and family law specialist, I highly recommend this approach for separated parents who want to maintain a cooperative co-parenting relationship and avoid unnecessary disputes.

What is the BIFF Technique?

BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. Developed by conflict resolution expert Bill Eddy, the BIFF method is a communication strategy designed to reduce hostility and prevent unnecessary arguments, particularly in high-conflict situations.

When emotions run high, it’s easy for communication to spiral into blame, defensiveness, and escalation. The BIFF technique helps parents respond in a way that is neutral, solution-focused, and non-reactive.

When Should You Use the BIFF Technique?

The BIFF technique is useful in many separation-related conflicts, including:

• Co-Parenting Disagreements: Managing parenting schedules, decision-making, and day-to-day child-related discussions.

• Property Settlement Discussions: Communicating about finances and asset division without unnecessary conflict.

• Legal & Mediation Correspondence: Keeping responses focused, professional, and clear.

• Responding to Hostile Messages: Avoiding emotional reactions to provocative texts, emails, or verbal exchanges.

• Family and Social Conflicts: Interactions with extended family members or mutual friends who may take sides.

Why is the BIFF Technique Effective?

Conflict thrives on emotional responses. The BIFF method ensures your communication remains neutral and productive, which helps to:

✅ Prevent arguments from escalating.

✅ Keep discussions focused on solutions rather than blame.

✅ Maintain a professional tone, even in emotional situations.

✅ Reduce stress and anxiety associated with conflict.

✅ Encourage respectful co-parenting interactions.

How to Apply the BIFF Technique in Separation Conflicts

Let’s break down each component and how you can use it in your own communication:

1. Be Brief

Long-winded explanations or defensive responses often invite further conflict. Keep your messages short, clear, and to the point.

✅ Example: Instead of saying, “You always change the schedule last minute, and it’s so frustrating! You never think about how this affects me,” try: ➡ “I am available to swap weekends as requested. Please confirm by Friday.”

2. Be Informative

Stick to the facts and provide only necessary information. Avoid emotional language, blaming, or personal attacks.

✅ Example: Instead of saying, “You are so irresponsible for being late to pick up our child!” try: ➡ “Pick-up time is 4 PM. If you are running late, please let me know in advance.”

3. Be Friendly

A hostile tone will likely escalate tensions. Even if you are frustrated, use neutral or polite language to keep the conversation civil.

✅ Example: Instead of saying, “You clearly don’t care about my schedule,” try: ➡ “I appreciate clear communication so we can make this work smoothly for our child.”

4. Be Firm

Set boundaries without being aggressive or confrontational. Ensure that your message is final and does not invite unnecessary back-and-forth.

✅ Example: Instead of saying, “I guess you’ll never change your mind about this,” try: ➡ “I understand we see this differently. My position remains the same.”

Practical Example of BIFF in Action

📩 Scenario: You receive an angry email from your ex-partner accusing you of being unfair with the parenting schedule. ❌ What NOT to say: “You’re always trying to make me look like the bad parent. Maybe if you were more flexible, we wouldn’t have this problem!” ✅ BIFF Response: “I understand your concern about the schedule. The current agreement was set in mediation, and I am happy to discuss minor adjustments that are in the best interest of our child. Let me know if you’d like to propose specific changes.”

Final Thoughts: Keep Conflict Low with BIFF

Mastering the BIFF technique takes practice, but once you implement it, you’ll notice a significant improvement in the way you communicate with your ex-partner. By keeping your responses Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm, you can minimize unnecessary conflict and focus on cooperative co-parenting for your children’s well-being.

If you’re struggling with communication and need help navigating your separation, mediation can provide a structured and neutral space to resolve disputes amicably. Contact Dannielle Young Mediation today to learn how we can support you in achieving a peaceful resolution.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. For personalised guidance on your family law matters, please consider consulting with a qualified legal professional.